read, then comment...

...this is how the blogosphere works. i think people who read blogs without commenting are devious. and people (especially of the male gender) who are referred to, directly or indirectly, should be banished from this site. and that's all i have to say about that. but after venting all that, i will try to clarify a few things. (this post is not funny or even slightly entertaining, so feel free to stop reading at any point).

the trouble with love is* that it doesn't consult the wisdom of the brain before lavishing itself on someone. and once you give your love to someone, it's very difficult-- perhaps impossible-- to get back.

for example, in my quest to find a husband-- a daunting task to be sure-- i have made many mistakes. people who marry their high school sweethearts are so smart (unless they are big fat jerk faces). if you fall in love with too many people, do you run out of love? i'd hate to think so, but it's such a mystery.

after high school, i fell in love with bf1 (some of you have met him on previous posts). we dated for over four years and off and on for a couple of years after that. he knows me better than i know myself. most of our friends think that we will eventually end up back together. part of me wants that, but part of me doesn't fully trust him yet. and then the complications begin...

next came bf2, the philosopher (you have also met him, but i'm pretty sure i deleted the most descriptive post). he is funny, thoughtful, wonderful, and the most amazing... well, you know. however, due to significantly different worldviews, and his stubbornness not to change ;) we both acknowledged our relationship wouldn't work.

now, well, i just don't know. noen is quite fabulous. he is hilarious and kind and smart. he is a very good friend, but how do you know if someone should be allowed past the 'friends only' section? and i certainly don't want to hurt anybody by getting into a relationship that i'm not ready or willing to commit to. but how do you find that out without trying it out?

one of the problems is that i can't help but compare and contrast. (another good reason for not dating too many people). there are great things about ex1 and ex2 that would be unrealistic to expect to find in someone else. i mean, you can't take all the great things from past bfs and find someone with all those qualities and no flaws.

i think that part of me will always love bf1, and i still love the philosopher, but it doesn't matter. except that it doesn't really leave me with much to offer noen, or whoever might come along later. it doesn't help that i don't know what i want, much less how to get it.
(it probably also doesn't help that i was back with my ex this weekend; he's like a magnet, it's not my fault. okay, yes it is my fault. i just don't knoooooooooow.)

perhaps i will become a nun and move to a convent.


*no, we are not endorsing kelly